Splatterhouse 2 1988 By: Namco Ltd

Overview:

     So many monsters to kill, so few lives to do it in. A completely mindless killing game. Here we have the Hero walking around wearing a goalie’s mask killing everything that moves. How original! And you say Kurt Vonnegut wrote this?
     Tell the truth, you thought it was a goalie’s mask and not some fancy-smancy mask found on an archaeological dig, didn’t you? You were probably just too shy to say so. Well I’m not! It’s a cheap plastic goalie mask and the bozos who designed this crummy, rip-off game wanted us to think that it was something special. “Oh yes Dr. Cliburne, I found that mask while on a dig in Cancun in an ancient Mayan temple and plan to incorporate it in a video game I am designing”. LIAR! You found it at K-Mart in the children’s sports aisle!
     Have you seen this guy jump? He looks like the Easter Bunny with a sore foot. And look at how slow he moves. Thorazine would act like a stimulant on this guy. He sure isn't being paid by piece work Zombie killing. Must be a Union psychopath.
     The manual does not tell us how many levels there are in the game, among many other things that it seems to leave out, but we know that there is at least one, otherwise after the opening sequence we could all be winners. Beyond that, who knows what lurks in the Darkness?
     The action sounds are somewhat muted by the mind-breaking music, which is appropriate for this game, but you can only barely hear our Hero as he gets attacked by various creatures. And when he kills a Zombie, no sound at all. Admittedly, the Zombies look quite soft, so maybe they are made of sound-deadening materials. The little crawly creatures have a nice horrific sound as they bleed the life out of you though.
     The graphics, although colorful, are less complex than most other SEGA games. Mainly our Hero walking against a scrolling backdrop. This might just be because it is a night scene. Or maybe the lighting crew just did a bad job. However, the opening sequence was quite entertaining with the lightning strikes.

Directions:

     Pick up sticks. And pipes and bones and chainsaws and shotguns and potassium bombs. Where the in the world are we at? An Al Qaeda birthday party for Osama bin Laden? Whatever. Just grab anything that looks like a weapon and use it.


     How do they expect zombies to get a nourishing meal, when there is nothing for us, the psycho-killers in the K-Mart masks and their main food supply, to find except weapons? Not a single real Goodie, like a candybar, to be found. Nothing. Couldn't the crummy designers have at least put in a candybar?
     OK, you got Zombies, Screaming Mimis and Ghouls to kill or avoid. Not a great selection. Although when they jump you, you better either get away quick or kill them if you can, cause they can be quite deadly. Avoidance pays off.
     And what’s that? NO POINTS! Oh, this game really stinks! If I am going to invest three weeks of my life defeating this game I expect to at least have some points next to my initials at the end. Otherwise what was it all for? The last game I played, I spent so much time winning it that my wife divorced me. I lost my job, my house and my kids, but at least I got some points next to my initials.
     You can use Option to change the button configuration, so for the following instead of naming the button, I am using ATTACK and JUMP.
Special Moves:

     Low Kick      Press DOWN then ATTACK

     Jump Kick     Press JUMP and while in the air Press ATTACK

     Slide Kick      Hold D-Control Diagonally in desired direction and Press JUMP

                         Then when Rick hits the ground:

                         Press ATTACK and Hold D-Control Diagonally in desired direction
     OK, everybody who thinks they can actually perform a Slide Kick raise their hand. Liar!

               

Oh yeah, don’t forget Jennifer.